| ATTN: ALL THOSE WHO WANT IN |
[25 Dec 2020|04:55pm] |
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mood |
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 you're kinda creepy |
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just leave a comment to let me know you added me so i can consider adding you back. thanks, folks.
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[24 Apr 2012|09:01pm] |
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Everything was finally going to be okay. Free at last. Then it wasn't. And with full force it slammed into me--the thought that I always thought but tried not to think; it's never going to be okay.
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[26 Mar 2012|05:01pm] |
"One need not be a Chamber -- to be Haunted --
One need not be a House --
The Brain has Corridors -- surpassing --
Material Place --
...
Ourself behind ourself, concealed --
Should startle most --
Assassin hidden in our Apartment
Be Horror's least..."
- Emily Dickinson
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| uh huh |
[23 Mar 2011|03:54pm] |
one day i was in the campus library and a girl leans over
"is that livejournal??!?"
"yeah"
"oh my gosh i had one of those foreverrrrrr agooo"
"yeah, me too"
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[01 Mar 2011|04:28pm] |
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sometimes i seriously miss myself
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| re-posted from tumblrrrr |
[14 Feb 2011|03:00pm] |
the warm weather is getting me even more excited for what justin and i have planned for my backyard. when he moves in (and maybe staton, his roommate, too, although i’m hoping they don’t treat my place in the same manner as their current apartment) we’re going to begin a sizely vegetable/herb garden and also build some coops for a couple chickens and a few quails. i really hope we make this fantasy a reality. justin has already done a large amount of research and has begun sketching coop possibilities. this wednesday the two of us will be visiting a lady to purchase her quail eggs and inquire about raising the beautiful (and delicious) birds. we’re also going to make the little nook in the front room of the house into an art space for me, complete with the easel that i still haven’t quite gotten around to moving out of my parents’ house, mostly because i wasn’t sure how much longer i’d live here, but now it’s looking like i’ll be staying for at least another six months after the lease runs out this summer. i’m so excited! this is what my life needs.
if anybody has any experience raising either chickens or quails or gardening (although i’ve got the gardening expertise covered seeing as my mother has the greenest thumb i know), i’d love to receive any kind of advice you’d have for us!
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[10 Jan 2011|06:06pm] |
so, right now i'm being stood up by a cop who has been trying to get in touch with me for about two weeks now to talk about some "graffiti gang" shit that i have nothing to do with and know nothing about.
while sitting here roaming the internet i realized it has been a very long time since i have let livejournal in on any of my life. other than that recent one line drunk posting.. a lot has changed. i am currently living alone after john, my last roommate, got sick and had to drop out of school and, because of this dropping out, lost financial support from his parents. it was nothing severe, he just had appendicitis, which effected him for a few weeks--those few weeks being enough time to get him very behind in his class work.
since then i've been very lazy socially and even lazier about find a new roommate. i don't see many people very often. of course i see justin just about every day but other than that i really don't spend much time with friends. it's starting to depress me a little bit but i'm, again, feeling too lazy to do much about it. i'm stuck favoring being a hermit too many days. i think part of the problem is before i returned to school this past week all i really did was work, my few days off were spent with justin or by myself because i was working so much i didn't really have time for either of those people. and i really need time with the man i love, and i really need time for myself, as i am a rather pronounced introvert especially these days. the few days i felt up to hanging out with friends it's been brief--a short shopping outing with john and justin, a few hours one night with mindy, zack, and tim, a couple hours out at a bar to see jenna, visiting with brandon while he's in town for holidays. the introversion i've been experiencing has been growing exponentially, which makes sense... i've fallen out of practice in a way, i don't remember how to socialize because i do it so little. i make small talk at work and can talk to my close friends that i've known for years or justin but besides that i am just so inside myself. a part of that could be my schedule or it could be that my depression and anxiety are coming back to stay with me again.. i've been mulling over the idea of taking my buspar again--i've got a bottle left from when i quit my meds, and i think it's probably a good idea. i just have to get myself to remember to take these things everyday because the rebound anxiety is especially horrific. and i know therapy would help even more than the meds but i just can't find time for that, even though it is just an hour a week but again, i've been lazy. it's so obvious my depression just feeds on itself but because it's gotten to this point i find it so hard to trim back on it. now that i'm sitting here typing in my ol' lj i'm realizing that i'm avoiding more problems than i previously thought... too many to list, unless i pushed aside my lethargy and allowed myself to type for a few hours straight. but that's not going to happen. i can't even get myself to face the pile of dishes in the sink (the dishwasher is kind of fucked at the moment) or do some goddamn laundry, which is really a super simple task.
i'm really happy to be at school again despite still not really knowing what in the fuck i am trying to accomplish by attending. it just helps me and my brain function better to be learning and studying and doing something with this rusty mind of mine on a somewhat daily basis. this past year has really slowed me down mentally, it's hard to ignore it. i need to stop drinking/smoking daily. i just do. i'm just so sick of how my habits have overtaken my life. and i know if i don't try now it's just going to really start to snowball and i'll not just be drinking a few beers nightly but instead getting shitfaced all day or something. i really don't feel like i have a lot of time to save myself.
it is now 5:57 and the cop was supposed to be here at 5:30. it's been snowy and icy today which makes the city of raleigh really irrationally nervous and frenzied so maybe cops were told to patrol for wrecks or some shit. but i'm pretty sure this guy is a detective. i don't know what that really entails, though, now that i think of it. but really, i thought a cop would be more punctual, or at least call to say he'd be late.
i think i might post more on here, now, this has been kind of helpful. i'm hopeful that this upcoming year will be a growing one for me, and that i'll be growing in an upward direction this time.
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[07 Jan 2011|02:08am] |
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hello i may br a bit drink
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| quick update |
[08 Aug 2010|09:34pm] |
i've been a very busy young lady. picked up two extra shifts this upcoming week while looking for a second (/third) job. not going back to school this fall, waiting for spring. my roommate is excellent and we're steadily making progress on our home. i have been keeping a to-do list again and it's always long and overwhelming but that's better than having an empty page (for me, for now). all i want to do the rest of the summer is get up earlier and enjoy the weather more. i have some things to look forward to before fall starts and then some once the leaves begin searching for the ground. i'm excited for my future but also scared shitless, i doubt i'm alone in that.
i also have, still, quite a few things to work on. but again, i doubt i'm alone in that.
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| things i really need to do |
[08 Apr 2010|06:48pm] |
1. register for summer classes on 4/15/10 (i pre-registered, all i gotta do is click)
2. contact mr. joyner
3. drive out to carrboro to pick up my wallet from cat's cradle (lost at salem/rusko/major lazer)
4. turn on that weird card that will get me my meds for free
5. get my meds
6. take my meds (at least birth control)
7. figure out my weekend plans so i can see a certain person
8. get blackberry
9. go to verizon store to see if blackberry will work for me
10. figure out this water bill
11. buy a handle of jameson
12. go to the beach
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[08 Apr 2010|01:22pm] |
sorry, my lovely livejournal, tumblr has taken my heart for a minute or two... it is a fleeting romance, i promise, and soon i will be back to you, my first true love.
(add me on tumblr if you haven't: www.brinkbrink.tumblr.com)
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| how long can this last |
[28 Feb 2010|09:51pm] |
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mood |
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many moods at once |
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my current AIM away message (the only place i felt like venting suddenly for some reason??):
"one of my roommates left all the fucking windows of our house open and i didn't find out why it was so cold until i was freezing my ass off for an hour now i am anxiously waiting for the heat to reaccumulate in the house and blazing the fuck out of my skull in order to deal with it SOMEBODY CHANGE THIS PEPSI INTO A BEER. that is exactly what i am doing right now. peace."
i'm not really angry just kinda in awe of the event. i really hope there was a reason behind it other than stupidity. if it is stupidity/forgetfulness i probably can't blame them, anyways. life is fine but i'm kinda stressed at the moment due to so many factors but mostly lack of sleep. the combination of mindy's snoring and charlotte (our french neighbor)'s drunk ass playing her french music so loud that i could still hear it from my room with tissues in my ears. it ended around 4 am, probably later.* i don't even know why i'm talking about this. i guess because it's what has happened recently. what has happened somewhat recently but not quite as recently has been very nice and life has been very good and satisfying. i mean, that's another reason i'm so tired.
so tired that i don't have anything more to ramble about. maybe i'll come back and edit because i'm high and hopefully gonna get drunk soon. i on't know what i'm eating tonight. i'm feeling so lazy, probably will settle for eggos. is that really settling, though? i am now kind of excited thinking about it... i really fucking hope we still have syrup.
oh and i keep feeling like there's somebody behind me. probably because there should be. i should mention i'm waiting for doug to get off work. he's here most days. i kinda did too many of these asian benzos (happy 5s, erimin, nimetazepam) for a second and drank more than usual for second but i'm getting my grip back on the wheel.
*we only put up with this because she puts up with us...nobody in this duplex has a matching sleeping pattern. all while we had this cute lil nova scotian folk punk band we met that day trying to get some shut eye before riding to richmond... poor cuties probably had a rougher time than i..
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| and so it goes |
[26 Jan 2010|12:30pm] |
i have such a crush on this person but i still haven't really gotten to hang out with him one-on-one because of things that keep on getting in my way. this time it was the hit-and-run which rendered my jeep undriveable by the next day and so i couldn't go over to his place after he got off work like originally planned. we were supposed to hang out on saturday but i realized i had to work and then i had to do some business after work and i ended up not getting done with all that until around 1 or 2 am and i was pooped by then :( so i cancelled because i wanted our first "date"ish thing to be really good, i didn't want to risk falling asleep during it. i wanted to be super cute and witty and quick and awesome and not stressed and half-asleep. i did get to see him on friday at the gss2 house show (the bands i saw were pretty nice, btw, especially his old band that he used to play bass for) though. i noticed him as i handed chelsea my ginger ale (she needed it as a chaser). i gave him a hug and we stood next to each other throughout the first set. then between sets we chatted and i surprised myself by how well i conversed (especially because i had tripped that day--another reason i was so exhausted by the end of the next night, i never fully recovered, sleep-wise, from my trip). i made him laugh and he made me laugh. it was really excellent. then the next band tried to play their set but there seemed to be disagreement on which song to play and maybe how to play it? we ended up calling the band a tease and i told him it was like we were watching them give birth. we laughed more. then the band finally played a couple songs, although they all were punctuated by the same teasing again and again and again. while the teasing band was playing every once in a while our bodies would touch on accident, maybe a few times on purpose, and i felt that anxious electricity run up my skin. it's been a while since somebody has touched mine. i've already decided several times to take this slow, though. i'm being super careful because this could be super good. i've also never tried this pace before so i guess i'm also trying something new. it might work. i'm excited and happy. despite the car accident. despite current events. i'm also moving in with chelsea and rhea this weekend. life is more than okay.
Clouds from Eloi Collective on Vimeo.
funny how i say "never again" until it just happens again. those words get knocked to the side so nonchalantly and the feeling takes a girl over.
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[22 Jan 2010|10:19am] |
DROPPIN' TODAY :D
~~~~~~EDITZ
COMIN UP ON CID RIGHT NOW
THINGS FEELIN STRANGE AND GOOD
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[28 Dec 2009|01:45am] |
finally grew out my hair past my tits again!!
been livin' on gingerbread cookies for the past couple days. been readin' new nietzche i received this xmas. been takin' pictures with that wonderful new camera o' mine. been listenin' to the new jamz i was so lucky to get this xmas. been abbreviatin' words 'cause i can and i like the easy-goin' feelin' it conveys. you could say i'm feelin' rather easy goin' these days. i don't quite know why. probably because things are just gettin' real nice. there are the obstacles but even the obstacles invigorate me now. i will overcome. going beyond what i am and reading nietzche's "thus spoke zarathustra: a book for all and none" kinda go together nicely. ;
been likin' life a li'l more each day
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[17 Dec 2009|01:08am] |
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But now let us retrace our steps and do our best to portray one by one each of our four heroes - to describe each not in terms of the beautiful, not in a manner that would seduce or captivate the reader, but simply with the brush strokes of Nature which, despite all her disorder, is often sublime, indeed even when she is at her most depraved. For - and why not say so in passing - if crime lacks the kind of delicacy one finds in virtue, is not the former always more sublime, does it not unfailingly have a character of grandeur and sublimity which surpasses, and will always make it preferable to, the monotonous and lackluster charms of virtue? Will you protest the greater usefulness of this or of that, is it for us to scan Nature’s laws, ours to determine whether, vice being just as necessary to Nature as is virtue, she perhaps does not implant in us, in equal quantity, the penchant for one or the other, depending upon her respective needs?
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[14 Dec 2009|07:28pm] |
my titties are sore. hormonal birth control is probably the perpetrator. life has been so strange but i guess that's not so strange. i quite unfortunately saw scranton creepin' at sammy's while i was waiting for an order to deliver. he was literally at the table next to me. i was shaking but i don't think it was visible to anybody but me... and i hope it wasn't visible to him. fortunately i've been bringing a book along with me to read while i stand for the tens of minutes it can take for some of these busier places to finally bring up my order. i know he recognized me because i was wearing my yellow hat that i wore when he was my teacher. i must've looked straight at him when i entered the place but i generally try not to look into the faces of any of the men at the restaurants i pick up deliveries at. not many of them interest me and most of them are sleazy. it's just not worth taking the risk of making eye contact and possibly getting hit on even moreso than i already do on the job (i love how i get hit on more often when i'm working--this goes for ALL jobs--than when i'm not. and how i get a lot of "you're the hottest ____" or basic "you're too pretty to work" kind of shit. yeah, no, this face doesn't exempt me from shit. i fucking wish. if anything it's more trouble. i much rather be anonymous. i spent most of my grade school experience keeping quieter than most and trying to be invisible.). anyways, i left without looking at him more than the one look it took to recognize him. when i heard his nasally, pretentious voice i knew it was him without a doubt. and i just had to stand there. trying to keep his voice from pushing into my head. smiling and acting nonchalant as the bartender lied to me, "just a few more minutes, sweetie." sweetie would've usually kind of annoyed me but it's better than later that night when i was called "little girl" at sadlack's.* as i walked through the parking lot to my car i noticed myself whispering "oh my god oh my god oh my god." when i got into my jeep i began crying. i was actually scared that this man would even talk to me. it was fucking terrifying just standing two yards away from him. the rest of the night was long. i turned onto one street into a wall of fog. it was the kind of fog that made you feel like the sky had fallen to the ground. it was kind of soothing.
uhhh, that was last night. this morning i had an exam. because the fog had not cleared from last night i had my lights on on the way to campus. i finished the exam in a couple hours and found my car with its lights still on. it was still too far away for me to know if i had killed the battery or not. then i got there. the unlock button on my key wasn't working. this was the fatal sign that my battery had indeed died. i can not tell you how upset i was. i felt like i was 15 again, letting the little things get to me. i calmed down as i noticed a few boys talking at one of their cars. i approached them, "ay yo, any of you have jumper cables (yeah, i didn't even have any goddamn cables)?" and got the dreaded "no, sorry." instead of searching, most probably in vain, for somebody else to jump me i looked for my wallet for the AAA card. no such luck, i had my big money wallet on me and not my brown one full of important cards. i ended up calling my dad. he told me, reluctantly, that he could make it out there in an hour. i headed to the library, killed some time surfing and studying on the internet, and then returned to my car. the unlock button was working this time. i jump into the jeep and turn the key in the ignition and hear the engine clicking and then chugging and so instead of releasing the key and letting it turn back i hold it there until the engine starts up! i'm elated but immediately feel guilty about taking my dad away from work. i call him and as he picks up i see his li'l black car pulling up in the entrance i'm driving out of. we laugh and head home. he takes lake wheeler and i take 40E. eventually when we're both home (i got home first, i don't know why he fucks with lake wheeler) he tells me he's going to get a tree. the rest of the afternoon is spent studying and trimming said tree.
i don't know why i ocassionally do these entries like i'm seven and i'm writing in my journal and half of what i do is just say "i did this and then this" and then read the entries aloud to my mother. that must have been adorable then. now? not so much. but i did have to mention that scranton thing. other strange things have happened, too. there's just a lot happening right now. and it's strange. and like i said, that's actually not all that strange.
oh and i want this:
imagine the possiblities! my pepsi's and 24 oz beerz won't go flat or spill!
http://www.asseenontvpromo.com/food-and-drink/bottle-tops/
*this shit pisses me off because it ultimately feels like to me that anybody can dismiss me (especially mentally) on the basis of my looks alone
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[12 Dec 2009|09:19am] |
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There are certainly times when "a man's feeling's are more rational than his mind."
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