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[17 Dec 2009|01:08am] |
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But now let us retrace our steps and do our best to portray one by one each of our four heroes - to describe each not in terms of the beautiful, not in a manner that would seduce or captivate the reader, but simply with the brush strokes of Nature which, despite all her disorder, is often sublime, indeed even when she is at her most depraved. For - and why not say so in passing - if crime lacks the kind of delicacy one finds in virtue, is not the former always more sublime, does it not unfailingly have a character of grandeur and sublimity which surpasses, and will always make it preferable to, the monotonous and lackluster charms of virtue? Will you protest the greater usefulness of this or of that, is it for us to scan Nature’s laws, ours to determine whether, vice being just as necessary to Nature as is virtue, she perhaps does not implant in us, in equal quantity, the penchant for one or the other, depending upon her respective needs?
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[14 Dec 2009|07:28pm] |
my titties are sore. hormonal birth control is probably the perpetrator. life has been so strange but i guess that's not so strange. i quite unfortunately saw scranton creepin' at sammy's while i was waiting for an order to deliver. he was literally at the table next to me. i was shaking but i don't think it was visible to anybody but me... and i hope it wasn't visible to him. fortunately i've been bringing a book along with me to read while i stand for the tens of minutes it can take for some of these busier places to finally bring up my order. i know he recognized me because i was wearing my yellow hat that i wore when he was my teacher. i must've looked straight at him when i entered the place but i generally try not to look into the faces of any of the men at the restaurants i pick up deliveries at. not many of them interest me and most of them are sleazy. it's just not worth taking the risk of making eye contact and possibly getting hit on even moreso than i already do on the job (i love how i get hit on more often when i'm working--this goes for ALL jobs--than when i'm not. and how i get a lot of "you're the hottest ____" or basic "you're too pretty to work" kind of shit. yeah, no, this face doesn't exempt me from shit. i fucking wish. if anything it's more trouble. i much rather be anonymous. i spent most of my grade school experience keeping quieter than most and trying to be invisible.). anyways, i left without looking at him more than the one look it took to recognize him. when i heard his nasally, pretentious voice i knew it was him without a doubt. and i just had to stand there. trying to keep his voice from pushing into my head. smiling and acting nonchalant as the bartender lied to me, "just a few more minutes, sweetie." sweetie would've usually kind of annoyed me but it's better than later that night when i was called "little girl" at sadlack's.* as i walked through the parking lot to my car i noticed myself whispering "oh my god oh my god oh my god." when i got into my jeep i began crying. i was actually scared that this man would even talk to me. it was fucking terrifying just standing two yards away from him. the rest of the night was long. i turned onto one street into a wall of fog. it was the kind of fog that made you feel like the sky had fallen to the ground. it was kind of soothing.
uhhh, that was last night. this morning i had an exam. because the fog had not cleared from last night i had my lights on on the way to campus. i finished the exam in a couple hours and found my car with its lights still on. it was still too far away for me to know if i had killed the battery or not. then i got there. the unlock button on my key wasn't working. this was the fatal sign that my battery had indeed died. i can not tell you how upset i was. i felt like i was 15 again, letting the little things get to me. i calmed down as i noticed a few boys talking at one of their cars. i approached them, "ay yo, any of you have jumper cables (yeah, i didn't even have any goddamn cables)?" and got the dreaded "no, sorry." instead of searching, most probably in vain, for somebody else to jump me i looked for my wallet for the AAA card. no such luck, i had my big money wallet on me and not my brown one full of important cards. i ended up calling my dad. he told me, reluctantly, that he could make it out there in an hour. i headed to the library, killed some time surfing and studying on the internet, and then returned to my car. the unlock button was working this time. i jump into the jeep and turn the key in the ignition and hear the engine clicking and then chugging and so instead of releasing the key and letting it turn back i hold it there until the engine starts up! i'm elated but immediately feel guilty about taking my dad away from work. i call him and as he picks up i see his li'l black car pulling up in the entrance i'm driving out of. we laugh and head home. he takes lake wheeler and i take 40E. eventually when we're both home (i got home first, i don't know why he fucks with lake wheeler) he tells me he's going to get a tree. the rest of the afternoon is spent studying and trimming said tree.
i don't know why i ocassionally do these entries like i'm seven and i'm writing in my journal and half of what i do is just say "i did this and then this" and then read the entries aloud to my mother. that must have been adorable then. now? not so much. but i did have to mention that scranton thing. other strange things have happened, too. there's just a lot happening right now. and it's strange. and like i said, that's actually not all that strange.
oh and i want this:
imagine the possiblities! my pepsi's and 24 oz beerz won't go flat or spill!
http://www.asseenontvpromo.com/food-and-drink/bottle-tops/
*this shit pisses me off because it ultimately feels like to me that anybody can dismiss me (especially mentally) on the basis of my looks alone
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[12 Dec 2009|09:19am] |
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There are certainly times when "a man's feeling's are more rational than his mind."
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| "you need to access your un-crazy side" |
[11 Dec 2009|03:32pm] |
Today I taught my mom about the horrors of slut shaming and how it is actually an agent of our horribly patriarchal society. It was fucking great. Teaching the old feminist something new. It began with her calling a girl on one of those dating chat line commercials a "slut" and I became a bit enraged. I began with "So you're into slut-shaming?" and she simply replied "Yes" with a "yeah, of course" look on her face, obviously puzzled by my comment. She later commented that the woman was acting and looking like that for a man and I asked her how she made that assumption and "What if she's doing it for a lady?" She sat back and told me she'd have to think about that. :) Slut-shaming is seriously one of the most prominent (and unfortunately, acceptable) forms of sexism today and it makes me shudder.
ALSO: Seeing my favorite man tonight :)
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[01 Dec 2009|09:00pm] |
sometimes i wonder, are you still lost like i am?
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[24 Nov 2009|07:00pm] |
Dorka, Ilona Jó and Ficko were found guilty and put to death on the spot. Dorka and Ilona had their fingernails ripped out before they were thrown into a fire, while Ficko, who was deemed less guilty, was beheaded before being consigned to the flames. A public scaffold was erected near the castle to show the public that justice had been done. Katarína Benická was sentenced to life imprisonment, as she only acted under the domination and bullying by the other women, as implied by recorded testimony.
D: I love how so much of history is like a horror movie. That shit mirrors life far more than we realize...
Elizabeth Bathory’s introduction to torture and sadism started early in her life with the first recorded incident being when she witnessed the death of a visiting gypsy accused of selling his children. Penalties for such a crime could be harsh, so after a night of torture in which his screams were heard throughout the castle, he was taken at dawn for his gruesome execution. This involved being sown into the belly of a freshly killed horse and left to die slowly and painfully with the procedure being witnessed by Elizabeth. Needless to say this made a lasting impression on Elizabeth and reinforced her already strongly held belief that lives of those under her were cheap.
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| with love |
[23 Nov 2009|03:16pm] |
"Live with your head in the lion's mouth. I want you to overcome 'em with yeses, undermine 'em with grins, agree 'em to death and destruction, let 'em swoller you till they vomit or bust wide open."
My life has very much been about this lately.
I have a second job starting last night, by the way!!!!!!!!
( more photobooth pix commemorating the night of melt banana )
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| in yo' dreamz |
[11 Nov 2009|01:52pm] |
i hate these dreams. i'm waking up again wondering what's real and what's not. it's not very fun. :(
there are a lot of things that need to be done. there's a part of me stuck in the mud.
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| a good love |
[28 Oct 2009|11:46am] |
Wow, it is kind of awesome being single again. I have three dates coming up this month. :D Shit just keeps falling in my lap (maybe soon even literally hehehe)...
I have a show, a weekend, and coffee to look forward to. It is such a nice change of pace. Oh, and F keeps showering me with free things. K-pins last week, a really pretty notebook that apparently reminded him of me when he saw it in a store yesterday, etc. It's hard to resist when he's so ridiculously sweet to me (not only does he shell out gifts and deals, but compliments as well) but there are SO many reasons I can't go there. He's basically my boss. He used to date my best friend and kind of treated her poorly towards the end (including hitting on all of her friends--including me). He doesn't seem to do a lot with his time other than make money and get high. We've been hanging out more lately and we do relate in a lot of ways but I think it should just stop here at really good friends. It's nice having really good male friends, anyway..
I'm really liking life right now. I feel like I've walked outside after a long hibernation. Been going out more often, too, which is really, really wicked awesome. I miss being able to go out, without having to worry about my actions, and instead having ridiculous amounts of fun. I've missed my freedom. For a few weeks now I've been meaning to thank him for breaking up with me but that just seems kind of unnecessary/rude/he would definitely take it the wrong way.
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| at least remember this |
[23 Oct 2009|01:40pm] |
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 calm |
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i've been walking for a month now. i turn around, look backwards--all you are now is a tiny figure shrinking, perched on the horizon. one day, like other days before it, all there will be are those rare memories that crawl into my head at odd hours of the night. sometimes they make their way in even during the day. but it will just be some times. some days. in some months i will have rid myself finally of this cobweb i walked into eleven months ago.
life is far too strange to describe accurately in any set of words. it's a problem i'm trying to wrastle and am doing so somewhat well so far.
it's kind of nice being on my own again. sometimes i feel like that's really how i'm supposed to be. i don't believe there is a singular soul i am meant to collide with at a predestined hour. i believe following pop culture's whimsical idea of "romance" is a set-up for disappointment. it's not reality. even the lama agrees. the only true way to not be lonely is to have compassion for EVERYBODY. don't ration your love for some "one" person, let everybody behold your compassion, and let theirs flow into you in return...
my life is rather nice and fluffy and light right now despite those flaws. those flaws, which may not stay the same but are always THERE all the same, are just there to remind me that there are things which are flawless--bliss is only recognizable if you have fallen from said bliss.
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| AWAY |
[05 Oct 2009|08:36pm] |
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life is hard so i get high
my head blows outwards
shakes hands with every
CALM DOWN
i really want to know how to CALM DOWN but don't KNOW HOW. i feel like my emotions are these
RELAX!
so much is going to spring forth from these hands soon, soon, SOON (/now)!
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[23 Aug 2009|03:30pm] |
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I hate my body. I hate its mangled insides and its tattered outsides. I wish I could walk out of it and keep walking forever until it is a distant past like so many other things. Too bad there's probably no such thing as "soul." It's such a pretty idea.
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[18 Aug 2009|11:51pm] |
I don't care HOW against universal health care or the public option you are, you DO NOT make a threat on the life of a congressman over it (or any of the other bullshit that I've seen lately from certain sides of the debate). This shit is getting ridiculous, people.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/08/07/brad-miller-death-threat-_n_254493.html
WASHINGTON — A North Carolina congressman who supports an overhaul of the health care system had his life threatened by a caller upset that he was not holding a public forum on the proposal, his office said Friday.
Democratic Rep. Brad Miller received the call Monday, one of hundreds the congressman's office has fielded demanding town-hall meetings on the health care proposal, said his spokeswoman, LuAnn Canipe. She said the callers were "trying to instigate town halls so they can show up and disrupt."
"We had one of those kind of calls that escalated to what we considered a threat" on the congressman's life, said Canipe. "These are some strong-arm tactics, and we are trying to deal with and trying to talk to people in good faith about health care reform."
Yeah, that's my representative.
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| EYE KNOW |
[08 Aug 2009|11:13am] |
DE LA SOUL TONIGHT TONIGHT TONIGHT!
I'm pretty pumped! I haven't been able to go out very much this summer due to some obvious obstacles (surgery, yo) so I'm looking forward very much to seeing three of my favorite lyricists with one of my favorite people (Jenna, yo). I wish Camden could come along but he's working :( He's not as big of a fan as I am but it would still be really nice to grind on him during some of the triplet's sappier songs such as:
I love attending shows with significant others. I know it's one of the most obnoxious places to participate in PDA but it makes me so happy to listen to my favorite music live with my very favorite person standing right behind me, holding me. Ugh ugh ugh. Two of the most romantic nights of my life was going to a show with a girlfriend and then a boyfriend. Live music lends itself very well to intimacy.
I'm happy to go with Jenna, though, we don't do enough together and she's always fun to be around.
Now I'm going to eat/shower/take my camera to get it fixed (I won't have it for tonight which is bad because I'll get zero pix but good because I'll be able to JUST DANCE!) before I go out tonight for the show. Tomorrow I wanna go shoe shopping. I don't shop ever anymore. Started buying other things instead. Now I'm starting to shop again, do normal things. Not that I was ever abnormal, heh.
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| you make me nervous |
[21 Jul 2009|07:24pm] |
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fuck, guys, i'm really in love with him. and it's inciting a hefty amount of fear and act-a-fool type behavior. this shit, this shit called love, is really driving me nuts. why does it have this effect on me?
according to him (he's the one who keeps track), it's almost nine months now. how did that happen? i've been floating above it this whole time, trying not to look down. i'm so fucking scared to look down, to how things were before him. they weren't horrible but they sure as hell weren't as good as this. i'm not the same as i was years ago-- i don't assume anybody is-- but really, i don't feel things like i used to. maybe it's the drugs (illegal and legal) or maybe it's me. either way it kind of makes me feel uncomfortable. it makes me wonder if i'm missing one of the best times/loves of my life simply because i'm afraid to feel happy, comfortable with somebody. i mean, i am happy, and comfortable for the most part, but i just feel different. i feel like my emotions have been stunted, muted. i feel like i'm not always there, or rather, here. i feel like i eed to get some quality time with reality, with what's right in front of me.
i stayed over at his place last night on account of i will be in WI(sconsin) until sunday and before i leave he's workinglearningworkinglearningstudyinglearningworking so i can't go over to his apt and bug him. i'm scared i'm scared i'm scared of losing him. i love him. gross. i hate being so attached. so icky and irrational. feels like i'm setting myself up. i guess that's what life is, a series of set-up's to what's next. maybe what's next won't be so bad. every event leads to the next. not saying there's rhyme or reason to what actions find themselves on my plate, just saying the events seem to push each other forward. or something. my mind is really confused at this moment. mostly because i don't have enough on that aforementioned plate of mine.
i wanna create something this week. maybe start tonight? here's to hoping i get somewhere with this. i have quite enough emotion to work with. ack.
and the shutter button on my dslr camera is broken, ain't that just life? i wouldn't mind if i hadn't lost my beautiful 70's film slr minolta two years ago. fuck being a dumb careless youth (i still am, yes). i should've never trusted myself so much at 16,17,18,
ETA: i've also been realizing how yet again i've ditched friendships for my one relationship. it's nice but i'd like to avoid losing all said friendships because of my foolish negligence. therefore in these last weeks before school starts i wanna stop being a goddamn flake (i am such a flake, and i really hate myself for it..) and also be pro-active about seeing people i like to call my friends. i also wanna go out now that i'm sort of healthy because a certain somebody that this entire post was about finds the time do go out drinking most nights despite his busy schedule of work/school/gf! i feel so left in the dust and now i want to catch up, damn it! i need to start taking my vitamin d and iron, though, if i want this to work considering my energy has been negative one million since i left them behind after surgery (they were too hard on my tummy and everything was making me vomit). umm, that is it! i wanna reunite with you.
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| that's you |
[13 Jul 2009|02:43pm] |
"Therefore the first progressive step for a mind overwhelmed by the strangeness of things is to realize that this feeling of strangeness is shared with all men and that human reality, in its entirety, suffers from the distance which separates it from the rest of the universe." - Albert Camus
I am getting better day by day but I'm still not 100%! I've given myself the task of making lists to increase my productivity. Since all the health problems started I kind of fell off of my balance and stopped doing things. TV, internet, pills, weed, missing Cam, talking to Cam, occasionally hanging out with Cam, have all really saturated my attention. Other than that: got free flowers and smoothie with Jenny who is just the sweetest gal ever (and the Mederma recommendation was excellent!!), attended surprise b-day party for Mindy with Zack, Jessica, Sadie (which was freaking adorable seeing her so happy), hung out with Chelsea a few times because she's back from Pheonix + NYC finally and that's about it from what I can remember. Not much really going on mostly on account of even just hanging out with people makes me so exhausted! It's ridiculous.
I was going to make this a longer update but Camden just called so I'm going to get dressed, eat toast, and go to his apartment. I mostly just wanted to let you all know I'm not a depressed mess anymore. Things are definitely looking up, yet again. Those bouts of depression are just so good at hiding my mind from reality.
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| abdominal myomectomy |
[24 Jun 2009|09:08pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
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Surgery's been moved up to tomorrow! Wish me luck!
"Good luck! I feel like
I'm wishing you luck on
like the SATs or something!
Try your hardest!"
- Nicole
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| :) |
[28 May 2009|11:09am] |
"Every day we slaughter our finest impulses. That is why we get a heartache when we read those lines written by the hand of a master and recognize them as our own, as the tender shoots which we stifled because we lacked the faith to believe in our own powers, our own criterion of truth and beauty. Every man, when he gets quiet, when he becomes desperately honest with himself, is capable of uttering profound truths. We all derive from the same source. there is no mystery about the origin of things. We are all part of creation, all kings, all poets, all musicians; we have only to open up, only to discover what is already there." — Henry Miller
"Develop an interest in life as you see it; the people, things, literature, music-the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures, beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself." — Henry Miller
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dreamsong22's journal
you're kinda creepy